Dedicated to You (And I Remember Everything)

(i miss you)

“I wish I could go back to the way it was…

I wish fairy tales would come to reality…

I wish memories could never be forgotten…

And I wish I could come back from you, hold you tightly and say ‘maybe I was born to tell you I love you’…

How I wish all wishes can come true…

How I really wish…”

I could still depict the image here in my mind; the most romantic picture I’ve ever seen—the day when our destinies met. The feeling was inexpressible.  Nevertheless, I was scared for myself for I was young enough to fall. I was still young to express what you call love from a guy whom I just met through glancing.

Rumors brought your name to me. Somebody told me then that you loved a gal who has the same age as you and you know, it did hurt too much.  I felt a strange pain that struck me for the first time in my life. Queries unanswered left my mind. I never knew I’m starting to fall for you.

Summer began. I left. I traveled across many lands. I arrived England. But before I came to journey continents, I can still remember the teardrops I left from the pillows I used to lay at night. Love songs were my lullabies. Hankies took away every drop. I realized that I was totally in love. Because of that, I thought it would end if I’ll go away for a while. When I was there, all I think were you. When I peep through the window each night, I wished you would be mine despite from the rumors that you have your someone already. I wished I could be that lucky girl. For a month of staying in a strange land, I enjoyed living their culture but the feeling as still there. I still love you.

From England, I travelled back from my mother country and that time, I believed that the feeling I had before for you will change but it never became the way I did expect. Indeed it changed, but the feeling was further strong than the feeling before. Again, rumors brought to you the real feeling I had for you. It did feel a painful thing when I heard from somebody that I’m not the type of girl you like. How I wish that time you could see those tears that fell from my cheeks. Every teardrop was made to fell for something. At that instance, I tried to force myself not to fall for you but it did not really happen. I just hid that feeling so that you won’t notice. Anyway, I was not that kind of girl you’ve been looking for. Many girls liked you and it appeared that you liked them too. I stopped hoping I could be the next girl you will like.  But the stopping was temporary.

The time you were on your last year of high school changed the history. I never thought love finds a way. It mysteriously evolves into something—an unexpected period of time. Maybe love falls depending on its right time. Cupid’s arrow can struck anybody else. Although it appears like his arrows are not visible, you can feel its warmth inside-- the warmth of falling in love to somebody else. We started texting like ordinary friends, then began liking each others favorites, then falling in love to each other. I sometimes ask myself how all these metamorphoses occur. The feeling of loving someone from your dreams was something like unimaginable, definitely unexplainable but it often occur in reality and that indeed came true. Night falls when you came in our house to drop by. You can’t be there without your friends who were you’re one of the finest people who made your life more meaningful. I remember the big something that fell from the sky that night. I said I was a big star but you said that it’s either a comet or a meteorite. Responding your I love you seemed to be a little doubtful for me that time for the fact that we were still young and I might be regretful when there will come a time when you’ll going to hurt an innocent child like me. However, the truth that I loved you too was the reason why I did also said the same thing you told me. Yet, a month passed and it seemed that there is something missing. I was right, you did hurt me—that was the first pain you did for me.

Strangers--that was how you treated me. Every time we met, you would act like as if you don’t even know me. Whenever they try to ask what happened why is it we just lasted for a month and you would just say ‘who is she?’—something I just can’t forget. Months passed and I was just waiting for somebody to love me again, I just hope you would come back. However, during our JS Promenade, you did like one of my prettiest classmate—(no need to mention), you were like prince and princess in the middle of the school quadrangle dancing romantically and rumors brought me you like each other so much and maybe too soon she will take over my place. That was the time that I needed to give up. The time when I realized I should go on in the wave of life. You graduated high school and one of your friends told me that you’re going to study far away from your hometown. Well, I felt a lost before but then I told myself that it’s better that you’ll be far from me. I just kept quiet for those past days but one night you texted me saying that you are so sorry for what you’ve done. I can still remember what I respond, I told you that you were jus saying sorry because you wanted to clear your name from my mind acting like you didn’t hurt me that much, what you just said is “that hurts”. I actually did that to keep myself away from you. I tried to lose you out of my mind, but I wasn’t able to do it. I was wondering why you always say “good night  muah” every night. My friend sais that it’s just a part of your group message for you send that one to all of your text pals. But one night, I stammered for I receive a message from you that you don’t usually send me. You’re reason was that was also a part of your group messages. Well, maybe he was telling the words “I Love you” to someone he cherished most. The next day was the grand alumni. My mom said I can attend it if I wear the alumni t-shirt. I did wear it at the event.  I arrived alone, no companion at all. Then I saw this friend of mine who accompanied me at the entrance gate. I was searching then for my mom. Then I saw you, you were holding phone, and I know you were texting someone. I just told myself that maybe you were finding you’re cherish one. Then when I glanced at you again, you were staring at me. I feel sorry for what I texted you before. All I thought that time was there might be a person from my back whom you know, the reason why you’re staring at me. Then you slowly came to my place, I wonder why. I just smiled at you when you asked me to pass you an extra load. I just don’t have enough extra loads that time. I just left you at that place and try to find Cyrus who was texting me that time, asking me if I’m at school already. The program started and we just sat at beside the library. My comrades then was Cyrus and Kenneth, we were so excited watching the program when you asked where am I. Ignoring your message was the first thing I thought of, but then I can’t control my fingers from responding your message.  In that particular time, I felt something. Is history repeating itself? You looked to the place where I was and then you shared stories, I love the way you tell your own stories since you have that different faces whenever you tell one. I was practicing for the beauty and brain contest that past few days so you asked me what is the feeling that the pageant is already near. Well, usually it’s really terrible to join a pageant like that but it’s also quite exciting since I am representing our own place. I feel so proud of myself. I can still remember the way you told me the movie “Supahpapalicious”. I laugh, indeed. Cyrus was so aware and at the same time concerned with what we are acting so he murmured something to me and I stop laughing. I realized we were not supposed to get close. The reason is I’m afraid to love somebody again. I stopped laughing and continued watching the program. After the event, I searched for my mom. I never had a chance to bid goodbye to you. All I think that time is the statement that Cyrus told me. Days passed and the pageant is nearer. One nigh before that pageant you asked if it’s alright to bring back what we started and I said “of course”. I was just so disappointed when you said that you are still doubtful for you will be far away from me. But I said that distance doesn’t matter when you really love somebody and that it also tests how trustful you are with each other. I think those ones changed what you are thinking that period of time. The day of our pageant came, we were practicing for our production number and you were helping your fellow chairmen do your thing—helping those stage coordinators. But during that duration, you know that one also of the chairmen likes me but you just ignored it. The night of the pageant came and you sent me a message telling me that whether I win or I lost that pageant, I’m already you’re winner by heart. I was flattered and I told myself to give all my very best just to get one of the titles. Fortunately, I was crowned Miss SK Goodwill 2008, which was so surprising for I didn’t get any minor awards. You were so proud, indeed. The relationship we had that time was so strong. You always come to our house every night. You loved my family members just the way you loved me, and so did I. Yet one day you said you can’t come for you were on the process of treating your feet (I hope you still know what kind of illness you have that time…;-). I understand it. Every night was so sad for me, your call wasn’t enough for me, and all I want to do that time is to see you, not to hear your voice. Then one night, you came by in our house and you said that this will be your last night to stay in your hometown since you are going to Baguio the day after that day. I definitely felt some kind of pain that kills me slowly. It’s a unique feeling which I can’t explain until now. I didn’t try to make you feel the pain that kills me inside; I just looked so comfortable only to make you unconcerned. The night you were leaving was so hurtful. You called me saying you love me so much. I just whispered “take care”. That whisper I made was the result of all those mixed emotions I had. You know that I loved you so much that time. More than you’re much and more than everything. You arrived there safe and sound but there I was looking at the horizon asking to the skies when will I ever see you again, how many more months I must wait for you to come back. The feeling was indescribable. Every night was unexplainable. However, months passed and I was a little bit comfortable and I managed to loss those solitary nights. Firs week of September came and we had our leadership training at your place. I was so excited for the activity not to participate the leadership training but to see you. When I was there, we hang out together every night. I even bought you that Jag shirt. You accompanied me buying snacks and you always visit me everyday. The time has come for us again to separate temporarily. Again, I felt the unexplainable pain I had. I wished you feel also what I felt when we separated ways. Days passed and our relationship is still steady but something changed it, the guy who told me once that he liked me began saying that the feeling he felt before for me didn’t change until now. Actually, when we were in the training, he calls every night asking me if how I am doing. You were not there when he calls me. Our first quadrangular came and I think I was falling for him not thinking that I was in a relationship. I think you had the instinct when you said that you can’t do love and your studies together. I let go of you. It was definitely my fault. I hope I could say that I’m now in love with somebody you know but it’s as if a force pulls me not to say it. The following days were incomplete. I was like a zany one, sitting alone in the corners of my room reading all your saved text messages from my phone. A month passed and I was with someone already. I did not tell that to you, but rumors brought that to you. I graduated high school with distinction. I was then happy with my life until the day when our dance instructor for the dance parade said that we will be partners. At first, we were too shy to hold hands which were a part of the dance, but then we managed to cope up with the step except for the eye to eye act—that was really difficult. I want to avoid you that time realizing that I’m into a relationship and that I don’t want to destroy it. I don’t want to end it just like the way our relationship ended so what I did is to keep myself out from you. I stayed as if I the feeling was gone already. Actually, it wasn’t gone; you were still in my heart that time. I texted you that night saying that I was so sorry for it is a fault that were partners. You said it’s all right. And when night falls, we kept on texting and then there came this so much stammering message from you. You said that whenever you hold my hand it’s as if I were still yours. But I said that it’s no the same anymore, we are already done and I’m already with somebody and I’m totally in love with him. Does it hurt when I said that to you? I said that just to stop that same feeling I had for you back then. You said you’re sorry for telling me that one and you said you’ll avoid me too. The next day was the grand parade for our fiesta. The feeling was excitement was there until it rained heavily. I thought I was in the freedom to talk to you but then I remember what you said that night and my boyfriend that time was merely looking at me. He was looking at my actions. We won on the competition but still you didn’t talk to me and when night fell, you said you’re sorry for ignoring me. “It’s okay” I told myself. Indeed, he was just a friend of mine right now. He is now happy with his life and I know he now loves someone. I went to our town fiesta on the second night and there we decided to meet with my boyfriend then. We decided to have a snack a Mr. Donuts when suddenly I saw the girl whom I thought was your girlfriend that time. Unexpectedly, you were beside her. My boyfriend saw you. He held my hand tightly and we left you seeing me holding his hand. I looked to where you were going. My heart was as if beating with great fear thinking that you’re now happy and that you don’t know me anymore. A couple of hours had passed when we decided to sit on those bleachers near the Ferris wheel. The Ferris wheel reminded me of you. It’s as if I’m seeing your face in those seats trembling with great fear. I remember the time when we ride the wheels; you convince to buy a medicine so that you’ll not get dizzy. I smiled. But I just can’t smile so obviously since I’m with somebody that time. It was again an unexpected event when you were also on the bleachers looking at us. I was not the one who saw you. It was him. You immediately left the place when you see us sitting together. I don’t know the reason why you always leave every time you see us together. After a long time of sitting and talking, we decided to have a walk at the nearby shore. And then again the sea reminds me of you. You love the sea, and you once said that you can swim the unfathomable seas if I want to. It’s as if there’s always something around me that reminds me of you; something that I can’t let go of. Is it because I still felt the same way or is it because those were telling me that it’s time to forget you? The last night of our fiesta came. We will gonna perform our winning piece that night. You were the first one to ask if I could give you one of the foot longs I was holding but I insisted to give it for it was intended for him not you. You were the one who put the laces on my back and all I utter was “Thank you”. Our hometown fiesta was over and we still had that communication. One day, we had a picnic at the dam, which was really the deal made by our dance mates. I don’t usually swim for I was scared that I might get drown but something pushed me o swim in that cold waters. I was confident enough to swim for I know you are there. When we walked home, I borrowed your hat. You eventually gave it and we talked and talked on our was to Spring however at that time I realized that I should avoid you so I decided to bring back the hat I borrowed and I walked alone leading the group. When we were at our house my younger sister told me that you asked her what happened, why I just act like that. I just ignore her—that is the right act to avoid continuing what I really feel. Night falls and you came in our house and you have with you the bangle your closest friend borrowed. Yes, I remember that time. We don’t to mention because that was just an unfaithful one. Morning came and I told you truth; the truth that hurt you a lot. Sorry was the only word I can say that time. That night, you were drunk and you went to one of my friends’ house telling all your aches and pains you feel inside. You were also sending messages to my sister telling that you want to cry but you can’t. You never told me you want me to come back in your life. I never had the chance to explain. You didn’t give me the opportunity. You went back to Baguio. I started college. Life went on until the time when we separated with my boyfriend. You called me that time and I can still remember your line “Tila adda magaygayyem mo”. I thought then “Tila adda ka garud met ah” but that was just a sarcastic joke. My single months were not as bad for I was savoring the life of a college student. But there were times that I missed my recent bf, there were also times that I missed you. December came, I wished for contentment and happiness. Parambak came and I saw your face again, this time more chubby than the last time I saw you. You were again looking at me from the balcony of the mayor’s office. I just felt something again. This time, it was an unusual one. That same day you asked my cousin what digits am I using. Night came and I begged my cousin to borrow his phone just to ask what you want to tell me. You said you’re sorry for all the things you’ve done. I accepted you’re sorry but that’s not all you said you are still concern for me. I jokingly said “Concern lang?.” For me, that was just a joke trying to find out if there is something else I need to know. I was right you said you still love the Carissa you used to love. That was indeed the same thing I felt for you. Actually, the feeling never fade, it only hi a long time. I was so scared to express it. I was so scared to show. That was only the time we shared the mutual feelings we had. The time you said that you were born perhaps to tell I Love you to me. You also said that I was the first and last yet girl you ever love. We were together again starting that night. I just want every single in the last relationship to keep be private. I know you don’t want to hear it also.

And now here I am, still seeking again for that contentment I temporarily felt for a short span of time. There is still this something I can’t get rid of my mind. Happiness for me was only a feeling when I seriously in love with someone—I just can’t feel it this time for you were not around anymore. Those memories were still fresh and every where I go or every where I am, there is always a thing that reminds me of you. I just can’t get you out. It’s as if I lost something that I can’t get back anymore. I said I moved on, but actually, it isn’t. I’m only pretending. You did not fulfill any of your promises. You swear you will never leave me, but now, it seemed that we were like strangers from the past. I really hope there is this sand of time that would bring back anything from the past. I just wished you hear those prayers I murmur every night. I just hope He will answer it. You were not the greatest mistake ever, Pong. I usually say that line “Letting myself fall for you was the greatest mistake that I’ve ever done”. You don’t get it. I was telling a reverse psychology. You were not the one. Try to reverse the line and you will see who you really were before those years. And now every time somebody asked who you were in my life, I usually say “the one I loved the most …until now”.

..so it’s you. never expected..see, am sorry if I been too hard to you..it’s just that you know there are things in the past that we should forget and leave in order to continue our lives..so that’s why..hope you ding fine and will be good as time goes. As  for me, am good. Have moved on.. hope you too..by the way, I think it’s better if we could just turn off communications like this for now.. ok, God Bless